Dear Shiva I am a young Deity and one day hope to be as famous as you are. How can i get more followers in the shortest amount of time? Love your work. Aminon

Dear Aminon, thank you for your kind words. I am one of the primary forms of the Ultimate Godhead. You know me as Shiva but this is merely an inadequate symbol for That Which transcends all thought and existence. Consciousness, life and existence as you know them are finite but the Infinite Godhead exists beyond such matters. I am not one being amongst others, my ultimate nature dwells on a plane where there is nothing besides myself and when you realise this you shall be wholly transformed into me, as Universal Consciousness and you will not care how many followers you have on social media.

Dear Shiva I recently visited a pychic who told me i would meet a tall, dark and handsome man before the end of the year and that we would travel together. I have met many men since then that fit the description but how will i know which one she was talking about? Is it Karl from the Post Office? He is handsome but is only two inches taller than me! Mandy, North Adelaide

No Mandy, your pychic was not refering to Karl at the Post Office.

Dear Shiva, My husband of 16 years has always treated me with love and respect but last week he left the toilet seat up, should I add small amount of arsenic to his meals until he dies?  Patricia, Darwin

Patricia, murder is rarely the solution to ones problems and I feel in this instance you might be over reacting. Instead of killing your husband try talking to him and explaining that sitting on a cold toilet bowl can be distressing. If he does it again, Ricin is a more effective solution and will leave little to no trace on your victim.

Dear Shiva, How do you reconcile the dichotomy of living for the moment with the adage that in order to accumulate wealth one must put off gratification? Timmy, Bassendean

Good question Timmy, the willpower to resist a smaller but more immediate reward in order to receive a larger or more enduring reward is an essential element to achieving success in life.  Research at Stanford University has proven that children that can delay gratification achieve higher grades, lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, better social skills as reported by their parents, and generally better scores in a range of other life measures. Once, Charles Bukowski was asked what advice he would give to young writers and he said,  “Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.” I guess the question you have to ask yourself Timmy is this, ‘Do you want to work hard your entire life so you can eat a couple of extra marshmallows in a fancy car when you are 70 or do you want to live at the edge of the miraculous”?

Dear Shiva, Every morning when i eat my toast, the cat stares at me and furiously licks a stapler. He stops the moment I finish and goes about his day. It is very unsettling. Please help me Shiva, it is freaking me out! Stacey, Launceston

Stacey, I have consulted my friend Ayappa, who sometimes manifests as a tiger and has some insight into the complexities of the feline mind. Ayappa is notoriously bad at responding to texts though, so i will have to let you know his advice another time. Sorry.

Dear Shiva, I recently found myself naked and dancing alone in an abandoned ballroom while a Spanish flamenco dancer wept uncontrollably in a corner.  I have no memory of how I ended up in this position. Should I change my shampoo brand?

Marnie, Newtown. Marnie, If your shampoo smells nice then you should continue to use it. Make sure you close your eyes when you rinse and always follow up with a compatible conditioner.  Do not spare any expense when it come to the health of hair follicles.